Grandma Gave Me the Finger

I was skipping down the street, humming “Rhapsody in Blue”
I had two weeks’ paid vacation and not much else to do
It was a lovely sunny day and I had not a care at all
So I thought of dear old Grandma and decided to pay a call
I made a hasty pit stop at Juanito’s Taco Stand
I got two bean burritos, one for me and one for Gran
I skipped up Maple Street and rang the doorbell at her place
Then Grandma stuck her middle finger right into my face

Oh, Grandma gave me the finger today
She flipped me off, much to my consternation and dismay
There was nothing I could do and even less that I could say
‘Cause Grandma went and gave me the finger today

I was nearly catatonic; I could not believe my eyes
When she took the two burritos and said, “What a nice surprise”
She got the tomatillo salsa you can’t get at Taco Bell
Then she ate her bean burrito and then she ate mine as well

CHORUS

I was baffled and bewildered; I said, “How can this be true?”
But she said, “Don’t take it personal, it’s just what Grandma’s do”
I said, “What about clean water, Grandma? What about clean air?”
She said, “Son, I’m gonna be dead soon so I don’t really care”

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With a twinkle in her eye as she sipped her chardonnay

I pinched myself and said this has to be a nasty dream
I’d always thought that Gran and I were on the same team
But she smiled and shrugged her shoulders and told me I was wrong
Then she hit me with a softball bat and said, “Now move along”
I hung my head in shame and I slithered out the door
Thinking there’s no rhyme or reason in the universe anymore
I skipped away melancholically and before I was out of sight
I heard Grandma screaming, “Get lost, Sonny! Now don’t forget to write”

CHORUS
Not just to me but to the whole U.S. of A.